everything means nothing
by roza m belicova
Summary: He made her believe in fairytales. She taught him to open up. They were looking forward to the rest of their lives. But one night changed everything and now he can't forgive himself and she doesn't know what to do after "love fades mine has" pure angst sorry probably better than this summery


Hey guys. Yes another one that is basically pure angst because life is shit and I just needed to write this I'm sorry. Possibly just a one shot, but I feel like I'll have people in the reviews asking for one more part and I can't promise I'll write it if y'all ask because I feel like all I can write right now is angst but…,I guess we'll see.

Anyway I don't own VA never have never will but reviews are greatly appreciated and im sorry for any mistakes guys I cant make myself reread this

Everything Means Nothing.

When he said he wasn't in love with me anymore or in his words, "love fades mine has," there were no words to accurately express how I felt. There was no way I could describe how I literally felt my heart shatter and crumble. There was no way for me to explain the sinking feeling that settled in the pit of my stomach. There was no way I could tell anyone how my chest grew so tight I felt like I was going to suffocate and die because I couldn't get any air in. I waited for the Earth to open up beneath my feet and just drag me down, because surely there was no point anymore.

I literally dropped everything for him, abandoned my education and the girl who was going to become my charge, braved the monsters I had been cautioned against my entire life to save him. Would I do it again? Yes. Absolutely. Because when you loved somebody, that was what you did. You risked it all, your own life included, for their happiness and for their safety. And you did not think twice about it. You just did it, because it came naturally.

I guess that was where the saying love is blind came from. Love makes us selfless though some might say stupid, depending on which side of the fence they stood. It could be our greatest strength or weakness, and for me, he was both. He was my greatest strength, but he was also the one who held the power to bring me to my knees. He had the power to break me.

Because even though I bore a Zvezda mark on my neck, I was a little terrified to take Dimitri on as a strigoi. The man was already lethal as a dhampir, his training coupled with super strength, speed, and damn near immortality made him something far beyond deadly. Not only that, but he was the love of my life. I was seriously contemplating plunging a silver stake into the heart of the man I loved more than life itself. But I had made him that promise, so I would have to do it. And I didn't know which terrified me more. Taking him on as a strigoi or delivering the death blow.

He started out as the forbidden fruit I never could have had because he was too far out of my league, but in a weird way, we had become friends. He learned to read me and I him, and then by some miracle, he returned my feelings, but he was still a forbidden fruit. Our love was forbidden, what with the age difference and he being my mentor.

But the heart wanted what it wanted and then that night in the cabin happened and it was the best night of my life. It was the beginning of hope. For the first time, he didn't feel as forbidden. He didn't feel so far out of my league. He just felt like mine, like I was finally where I was meant to be. If Lissa was my best friend, then he was my other half-my better half. He was my rock. He was the one person who had seen me at my most vulnerable and hadn't run. He'd talked me down and held me through it, and afterward made love so tenderly to me that all the walls came down all the differences faded and it was hard to tell where he ended and I began. He was home, but how was I to know that in a matter of hours it would all go to hell?

I'd thought I'd lost him that night I tried to stake him on that bridge in Russia. But then when he didn't die, I was caught somewhere in the middle of relief that he was still alive-maybe I could somehow save him, maybe all wasn't lost, and disappointment in myself that he was still walking the world as a soulless undead monster, something I knew was a faith worse than death for a man like him. I'd failed to kill him, but spirit and Lissa had saved him.

Once again, Lissa had done the impossible. She had brought him back to me. I had another chance. He was back. I'd graduated high school. I was a legal adult. There was nothing standing in our way now. Except there was. I just didn't know it. So, of course, when he said love fades, I wasn't expecting it. And, of course, it set my entire world a flame in the worse way.

I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, felt the future I had so easily convinced myself could belong to us slipping through my fingers and scattering like ashes in the wind. A part of me wasn't completely convinced he was being honest, especially when he was prepared to take on the guardians who came to arrest me after Tatiana's death, and I felt my resolve not to believe him grow when he offered to come with me when we went on the run, but there still was a part of me that perhaps was too scared to get her hopes up.

Not only that, but if he really meant those words, I could never, would never force him to be with me. So, I'd given him an ultimatum. I could read him well enough to know that this didn't have anything to do with me. I knew once he forgave himself, he would be able to realize his feelings for me hadn't faded, but he hadn't been able to do it. He couldn't get past everything he had done as a strigoi, couldn't get over everything he had done to me.

No matter how many times I told him that it had not been his fault, no matter how many times I told him I had already forgiven him for it even though there was nothing to forgive, he simply could not see it. And there was nothing else I could do. Because maybe he really didn't love me anymore. If he had, he would've been able to do it. Not because I thought this had something to do with me, but because if he really did love me, he would've trusted me enough to let me help him get past it. He would have understood that by asking him to forgive himself, I was really asking him to try for me, and to let me be there on the hardest of days because I understood that forgiving himself wasn't something that came easily.

Instead, we barely interacted now. He had gotten his guardian status back and all was well at court. My innocence had been proven and Lissa sat on the throne, but nothing felt right to me anymore. It was all different now, but I knew not many people noticed it.

I was honestly tired of pretending. I was tired of pretending that I was ok, that everything was ok. The truth was nothing was ok. I felt like I'd lost him all over again, like I'd had everything I could ever wanted only for a second and now it was gone. And this time, it was honestly worse.

I felt like not only had I lost the love of my life, but my best friend as well. Dimitri and I only interacted professionally now, and though neither of us was ever impolite to the other outside of work, something was obviously missing. And honestly, I didn't know what to do now. You always hear people talking about losing themselves in relationships, but I'd found myself in ours. He had made me into a more grounded more responsible and over all better person. I had found my place in the world because of him, and I didn't just mean the guardian world. I meant the world in general.

In the short time we had been, I'd found someone who accepted me for exactly who I was. I'd found someone who could handle every ounce of my smartass whit and sharp tongue, someone who could handle me on the days when I couldn't even handle myself. I'd found someone who knew me well enough to know when I was upset or hurting without me ever having to say a single word, and knew exactly what I needed on those days. I'd found someone who knew me better than I knew myself, someone who would look at me and think I was beautiful on my worse days.

I had never felt safer than when I was wrapped up in his arms, and I knew if circumstances were different, he would treat me like a queen. I had found everything I could have ever wanted all wrapped up in one guy, everything I hadn't known I wanted or thought I deserved, everything that all the love stories were written for, only to lose it all in one split second.

And I wasn't going to lie, that was a really fucking hard and bitter pill to swallow. Guardians didn't date. We certainly didn't fall in love. We served the moroi without question. We lived and died for them. That wasn't to say that we weren't allowed to have lives of our own, but they came first. To find someone who could make me want more, someone who could make me feel like I deserved more and then lose that person was one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. And now nothing felt like it would be ok ever again.

I'd broken up with Adrian, simply because I knew it wasn't fair to him. I knew I could've had it all with him, I knew he would've been good to me, but he deserved someone who he could be sure of, someone who only had eyes for him. Someone who loved him truly loved him. That someone wasn't me. And without Dimitri by my side, everything meant nothing. Everything just felt pointless and empty and if I were being honest, the only thing keeping me around was Lissa and my duty to keep her safe.

She was all I had left. She was the only one who needed me now. Keeping her safe was the only thing that mattered and if I died doing it then I honestly can't say I'd mind or care. I couldn't see myself dating anyone else ever again, because not only could I not see myself ever giving anyone everything again-I had nothing left to give, but also because being with anyone else would simply mean I would be settling.

He was the best, the one the only one meant for me and I knew it. There was no better than him. He was it, that one great fairytale that girls dreamt of. But maybe I wasn't the one for him and if that was true then I didn't have a choice. I had to let him go.

So, I did the only thing I could. I wrote him a letter. I put everything into that letter, added to it on the nights when sleep evaded me, when I couldn't stop the tears from flowing or the little voice in my head that insisted that maybe none of it had been real. He had always been far beyond what I deserved anyway. Perhaps I should have known. And if I were being honest, that had become every night as of late.

Oh, I knew it had been real. There was no faking that light I used to see in his eyes when he looked at me or the sincerity I often heard in his voice every time he said he loved me, but my one talent aside from kicking people's ass just with my smartass mouth and bringing men to their knees with my man eater smile was over thinking. And unfortunately, these days I was too sad to do anything else. So, every night when I fell apart, I wrote, and then put myself back together enough to hide my pain from the rest of the world in the light of day.

I finished the letter and gave it to him on the day he was going to Russia to see his family for the first time after he was restored. I would have loved to go with him, would have loved to see the looks on their faces when they saw him standing in the sun a dhampir again, but giving him the letter was going to have to be enough. I asked him to say hi to his family for me, and just slipped it into his hand leaving before he could ask about it.

I didn't expect much, maybe just that he would understand how I felt and that even though I seemed fine the truth was I was far from it, and that even though I still wanted to keep him in my life, no matter where things went between us I was more grateful than he would ever truly know for him and for the time that we had. Maybe all I would get out of it was him knowing that I wished the best for him and just truly wanted him to be happy even if that wasn't with me. But if there was someone out there who thought this was bullshit, maybe the someone who orchestrated this thing between our hearts, maybe just maybe I'd end up getting more than I bargained for. Or perhaps this was all there was, these days of exhaustion that went so far beyond the physical and this endless emptiness that had engulfed my life and had taken up residence where my heart use to be. Perhaps this was what I deserved, because girls like me didn't have happily ever afters. Only girls like Lissa did.

Thoughts my lovelies? Loved it? Hated it? Really don't care? Let me know I'm genuinely sorry to anyone who read this and didn't like it but if you read it and made it to the end thank you if you liked it thank you even more and if you read and reviewed I love you

XXX

Roza


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